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My name is Nolvia and I'm 18 years old. My boyfriend and I welcomed our stillborn beautiful babyboy on June 27th 2011. It has been a roller coaster but here we are...taking it day by day!

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Losing An Angel

27 weeks-After my appointment on Monday I went on with my day, later on that evening I fell down on my knees and got so scared that something happened to my little man but my mom had told me that it wasn’t bad to fall on your knees to worry if I feel on my butt or stomach so I was okay. The next morning I woke up with a really bad cough… Jacob, wasn’t moving as much as he would… I mean he would literally wake me up every morning! I thought he was just scared because I had fell the day before or because I was coughing so bad but I went ahead and  told my mom to call the nurse and the nurse told her not to worry… that he was just still because he was scared about my fall, and that since I did walk around all day he was calm because he felt as he “was being rocked”. I confused other movement in my stomach with my son’s kicks… but they weren’t. I went on with my week…went to work and everything and on late Friday I began to feel minor contractions… I thought my son was either going to come early or I was just cramping like I had for 3 months. I remember being online and ironically reading a story about a mommy loosing her daughter, I began to cry… came out naturally because I couldn’t imagine loosing my sweet boy. The next day. Saturday, June 25th, I went to work… and I definetly didn’t feel ANY movement… now I was worried I went to the ER was still sure my son was okay... I mean I did EVERYTHING right... but instead heard the awful news that my beautiful babyboy had “no heartbeat“. I was devastated, kind of in denial. I thought maybe once I got induced and I had him  he would come out crying and everything would be okay. I went home that same day… don't really know why. I mean I wasn't ready for sometihng like this, nobody is. How is it that from one moment your baby is so healthy and within a second he's just gone? Nothing you can do to protect them... I AM HIS MOM... I should have protected him! I was so lost...my mom and boyfriend had gone with me and my boyfriend and I decided we had to tell his  parents. My parents and his parents convinced me to go back to the hospital that same night and I did. They started giving me medicine to induce my labor… I was there for 3 days. My boyfriend was soo devastated, he would cry a lot but I think I was still in denial. I would cry from time to time… but it didn’t quite hit me yet like it had hit him. My family was there with me every single second of it and on Monday June 27th, 2011 I had my beautiful 2 pound Angel at 12:24 pm. Looked just like daddy, his lips, nose, chin, feet… he had my hands. I was amazed at how he looked like us. Holding him was PERFECT. I was devasted, I didn't want to let him go, I wanted him with me forever. </3
We had a ceremony for him the next day, I placed holy water on his forehead, even though he got a straight ticket to heaven. He looked so peaceful… and beautiful of course. My boyfriend did an auto switch or something, because he stopped crying and all that and devoted all his attention to my needs, he's amazing in so many ways!
My boyfriend and I decided to have him cremated, and got him a beautiful little heart urn…I will never ever forget him. I love him so much, think about him every single second. Never did I knew I could feel so much love for someone, until I knew about my Jacob Teran! :)  I didn’t really get an anwer to why he passed away, when he came out apparently my umbilical cord was in knots and they assumed that since he moved to much and I had a long umbilical cord he made knots on them. They also said he passed away the day after my doctor’s appointment. I didn’t know who to blame at that moment… my doctor for not being able to detect it… or myself for falling. I did ask my doctor if my fall could have anything to do with it… and he said absolutely not. They say 90% of the time a stillbirth is unknown.
I can’t wait to see my sweet baby boy, Jacob Teran again, RIP beautiful little man, Mommy and Daddy miss you<3

"How very softly
you tiptoed into my world.
Almost silently;
Only a moment you stayed.
But what an imprint
Your footprints have left
On our hearts"

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