The Duggars!

A lot of people seem pretty upset about them having their 20th kid, I kind of don't really care. Whatever God choose for them is what he choose and we are nobody to say they don't deserve their 20th kid. Though it is a lot I see nothing bad if they are able to take care of them and provide for their kids. Just because I lost my son doesn't mean I'm going to be angry at a women for having her babies...instead I'm glad that she's not another mommy grieving like I am. I know my son is in a good place...and he is my strength...though I may have days where I feel really down and super jealous of all the pregnant girls around me I will never ever want something bad to happen to them!

Halloween Day!

I didn't really think it would be bad at all... but seeing all the babies dressed up, knowing I could have dressed Jacob up got to me. Some family member's were discussing how I shouldn't have gotten him a pumpkin because Halloween is a Satanic holiday or whatever... but kids love the whole trick o treating and dressing up stuff, I thought getting him a pumpkin was a small gesture to just show that he's in my heart...and I'll always do a little something on days like yesterday... or all the upcoming holdays! My boyfriend and I were giving out candy lastnight and we just started talking about what Jacob's costume would have been of... I said a Lovebug so I could say he was my little lovebug and my boyfriend just smiled :) <3

Balloon Release

 

Walk to Remember

On October 1st, my amazing family, boyfriend, and I attended the Walk to Remember for the very first time! It was so amazing, everyone looked so peaceful and the atmosphere was just incredible. When they called my son's name and we got to put his angel up in the tree I felt so happy but my eyes quickly filled with tears. I miss my baby boy so much... seeing all the families and mommys that attended made me so sad to know that so many angels have left way too soon. When we released all the balloons it looked so beautiful, it felt as if my little lovebug and all his angel friends were flying around <3 sigh...

Your Home...

"A mark for every breath you took, every blink, every sleepy yawn. One for every time you sucked your thumb, waved hello, closed your eyes and slept in the most perfect darkness. One for every time you had the hiccups. One for every dream you dreamed within me.

It isn't very pretty anymore. Some may even think it ugly. That's OK. It was your home. It's where I first grew to love you, where I lay my hand as I dreamed about who you were and who you would be. It held you until my arms could, and for that, I will always find something beautiful in it."

Losing An Angel

27 weeks-After my appointment on Monday I went on with my day, later on that evening I fell down on my knees and got so scared that something happened to my little man but my mom had told me that it wasn’t bad to fall on your knees to worry if I feel on my butt or stomach so I was okay. The next morning I woke up with a really bad cough… Jacob, wasn’t moving as much as he would… I mean he would literally wake me up every morning! I thought he was just scared because I had fell the day before or because I was coughing so bad but I went ahead and  told my mom to call the nurse and the nurse told her not to worry… that he was just still because he was scared about my fall, and that since I did walk around all day he was calm because he felt as he “was being rocked”. I confused other movement in my stomach with my son’s kicks… but they weren’t. I went on with my week…went to work and everything and on late Friday I began to feel minor contractions… I thought my son was either going to come early or I　was just cramping like I had for 3 months. I remember being online and ironically reading a story about a mommy loosing her daughter, I began to cry… came out naturally because I couldn’t imagine loosing my sweet boy. The next day. Saturday, June 25th, I went to work… and I definetly didn’t feel ANY movement… now I was worried I went to the ER was still sure my son was okay... I mean I did EVERYTHING right... but instead heard the awful news that my beautiful babyboy had “no heartbeat“. I was devastated, kind of in denial. I thought maybe once I got induced and I had him　 he would come out crying and everything would be okay. I went home that same day… don't really know why. I mean I wasn't ready for sometihng like this, nobody is. How is it that from one moment your baby is so healthy and within a second he's just gone? Nothing you can do to protect them... I AM HIS MOM... I should have protected him! I was so lost...my mom and boyfriend had gone with me and my boyfriend and I decided we had to tell his　 parents. My parents and his parents convinced me to go back to the hospital that same night and I did. They started giving me medicine to induce my labor… I was there for 3 days. My boyfriend was soo devastated, he would cry a lot but I think I was still in denial. I would cry from time to time… but it didn’t quite hit me yet like it had hit him. My family was there with me every single second of it and on Monday June 27th, 2011 I had my beautiful 2 pound Angel at 12:24 pm. Looked just like daddy, his lips, nose, chin, feet… he had my hands. I was amazed at how he looked like us. Holding him was PERFECT. I was devasted, I didn't want to let him go, I wanted him with me forever. </3
We had a ceremony for him the next day, I placed holy water on his forehead, even though he got a straight ticket to heaven. He looked so peaceful… and beautiful of course. My boyfriend did an auto switch or something, because he stopped crying and all that and devoted all his attention to my needs, he's amazing in so many ways!

My boyfriend and I decided to have him cremated, and got him a beautiful little heart urn…I will never ever forget him. I love him so much, think about him every single second. Never did I knew I could feel so much love for someone, until I knew about my Jacob Teran! :)  I didn’t really get an anwer to why he passed away, when he came out　apparently my umbilical cord was in knots and　they assumed that　since he moved to much and I had a long umbilical cord he made knots on them. They also said he passed away the day after my doctor’s appointment. I didn’t know who to blame at that moment… my　doctor for not being able to detect it… or myself for falling. I did ask my doctor if my fall could have anything to do with it… and he said absolutely not. They say 90% of the time a stillbirth is unknown.

I can’t wait to see my sweet baby boy, Jacob Teran again, RIP beautiful little man, Mommy and Daddy miss you<3

"How very softly
you tiptoed into my world.
Almost silently;
Only a moment you stayed.
But what an imprint
Your footprints have left
On our hearts"

　

My story!

My story begins on a January. I had been feeling so nauseous, never did it cross my mind that I could possibly be pregnant. I thought it was something bad I had ate at a Mavericks basketball game so I didn’t really pay much attention to it. I felt so sick for a good week. One day, my friend and I were leaving school and I was laying down in the backseat. I felt so dizzy and nauseous but at the same time hungry… she took one good look at me and said “You’re pregnant, I can tell”. I laughed at her and said “you’re so dumb… my period should start this week and I’m cramping!” She thought it would be better if we took a pregnancy test just because she had that thought in the back of her head. I agreed, we bought the cheapest test since I was so sure I wasn’t. I　remember going into a Taco Cabana because she wanted to do it ASAP. We went into the Ladies Room and I peed on the pregnancy test… not even a minute passed and it was already positive. I wasn’t sure I was reading it right so I handed it to her (all cleaned) and she just starred at me as I walked out of the stall. She began to get tears in her eyes and said… “it’s positive” and I said Yeah… it is! and she said why aren’t you crying? why are you so happy? I simply told her that I couldn’t be sad or surprised if I had unprotected sex. I called my boyfriend and told him that I had just taken a pregnancy test and that it was positive… he said “COME TO MY HOUSE RIGHT NOW”

I took the test to his house… and there it was. I was in denial for a while so I had to make an appointment. The day after my mom asked me what was wrong with me? I explained to her how I felt and then she asked me if I was pregnant and I told her I didn’t know, that I had made an appointment in a week.

At my appointment I took a pregnancy test and it was confirmed, I was pregnant 9 weeks!

For an 18 year old I think I was pretty darn excited from the very start. I loved my baby already, the second I found out I was pregnant. The ladies that helped me out offered me my first sonogram and it was absolutely beautiful. My baby was very active… it was amazing! When his daddy touched my arm, he kicked and we saw it on the screen. The weeks went by and I just got bigger… and bigger, excited to see my little man!

16 weeks,　I got a call from the hospital. They told me they wanted to speak to me and I got so scared the doctor assured me it was nothing bad, so I believed him. When I stepped into the hospital I was sent to the COMPLICATIONS area and instantly I knew I had been lied to. I waited… and waited, for a good 15 minutes that seemed to be hours and they finally called me. They wanted to tell me that their was an 0.2% chance that my baby could have down syndrome and that their was a test available that I could take so that I could find out if he did have it. The only problem was that the test consisted of poking your placenta and that had a 5% probability of miscarriage, instantly I said　 No… I would much rather have my baby boy here… with or without down syndrome than to risk his life by taking that stupid test! When I told my boyfriend what the doctor had said... I couldn't get it out. I felt like crying, I knew my baby was healthy and everything was fine and I didn't want my boyfriend to feel what I felt when I heard that... I finally got it out and we laid down cried together, and finally just talked. We both felt the same way... we wanted our babyboy no matter what!

I was still going to school, it was my last year, I felt so motivated to finish school with a little extra of  Prom Queen. :) When I  Graduated I was 24 weeks, I remember during the ceremony there was a little party in my belly, Jacob wouldn't stop kicking, as if he felt my happiness!

26 weeks, I had a doctor appointment on a Monday June 20th, 2011 I heard my son’s heartbeat…strong as always! Little did I know it would be the last time I heard it.